Long Distance Kink – Is it Possible?

whatsapp on phone

Long-distance relationships are still relationships that require a different approach to develop the same connection and intimacy. Thanks to technology like Skype, Facetime and WhatsApp, long-distance BDSM play is entirely possible and can be very enjoyable! But like any long-distance relationship, a strong foundation needs to be established first.

After all, small problems can fester and later become big problems. So, if you can nip them in the bud early on, you have a much better chance in your long-distance romance.
In a long-distance BDSM relationship, the following concerns should be addressed as soon as possible:

1. What are your “away” rules? Can you see other people? Are you allowed to play? What exactly constitutes play? Hard and soft limits? Critical concerns must be covered in great detail until you’re both satisfied and understand the nature of your relationship.

2. Do you both see the monogamy/poly continuum in the same way? Are you the only collared slave your partner plans to have? With respect to these issues, are you both on the same page?

3. You should agree on a specific call schedule. For example, you might agree to speak on the phone twice a week and Skype/Facetime once a week. Although sticking to a schedule might not always be possible, both sides must make a special effort to stick to the routine in order to reduce the risk of anxiety.

Once these have been established, it’s time to figure out what works for you both.

Exploring Play and Punishment

So how do you have play time when you’re in a long-distance relationship?  Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Lists:  Lists can be a fun way of disciplining your partner from afar. The dom sends a list of tasks that the sub needs to complete before bed (while the dom is watching?); this can include playing with a range of toys during a Skype session, wearing painful accessories such as nipple clamps, some form of (light) humiliation, or shopping for new toys and accessories pre-play. The best part is when the list arrives early in the day, and both partners spend the rest of their time eagerly anticipating bedtime!

Spontaneity: Why not give your partner surprise tasks while they’re at work?  They can be as simple as commanding your dom to take their underwear off and go pants-less for the rest of the day, or ordering your partner to have an orgasm between meetings…

Masturbation schedules: Why not exhibit some additional control over your sub by putting restrictions on when, where and how they cum? You can even do a tease and deny session, where you bring them right to the edge, then make them stop. Controlling other bodily functions can also be sexy; going to the bathroom, bed time,  exercise, and what they are allowed to eat. Discuss limits before engaging in ‘control’ play, so that you’re both comfortable with the tasks being set.

Roleplay: Although not exclusively BDSM, it’s a fun and easy way to spice up your relationship. You can adopt a character or persona, and use that to carry out some of your deepest and darkest BDSM fantasies.

Beware of Long-Distance Sub Drop

Sub Drop is an emotional state that a sub can experience after a BDSM scene. The symptoms and intensity vary from person to person, but can include fatigue, feeling emotionally raw, and depression. There is the potential for a worse sub drop after long-distance BDSM play and there is a lack of intimacy and connection.

As such, it is even more important that you prepare ahead of your session and practice-self care. Reading a book, taking a bath, eating, exercising, masturbating will give you a chance to reflect on how you’re feeling, perk you up a bit, or even take you out of your own head. It’s handy to find things that work for you when you’re not physically able to be with your partner during drop. Putting together a ‘drop kit’ or a dedicated bag for sub drop recovery will also ensure that all the aftercare essentials at your fingertips. Fill it with things that will comfort you after play, such as blankets, a teddy bear, chocolate, colouring books and crayons, energy drinks, and body lotion.

There is no one way to provide or receive aftercare, the only real guideline is to be open, accepting, and attentive to the emotional and physical needs of your partner, while also making sure that your own needs are met as well.

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